Funerals and family functions/holidays?

[Culican]

Bit of a difference of opinion between wife and I.

My uncle passed away and the service is coming up. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve seen him in the past 25 years. I don’t feel the need to attend the service, wife says I should go “cause family”.

As for family functions, I see my sister for x mas, and her kids (adult kids) birthdays. Wife’s “family” are t really family. She sees one “sister” once a year at x mas. Hasn’t spoken to her since the pandemic. Not once. I consider her a biological sibling, not a sister.

Wife still wants to invite for holidays. Cause “family”

Friends and family are “f” words to me. People use the word when they want something and it seems it’s always one sided.

Wife will drop everything to accommodate and her “fami;y” won’t do the same.

I’m closer to co workers thanfamily and would rather attend funerals and holidays with them.

What do you guys do? Do you give someone your time (x mas dinner) simply cause family? Why? Why not?

Maybe I’m getting to the old and crotchety phase of my life but I want to look out for #1, and that’s me.

Earlier I said I agree with you. Let me clarify that. Attending things like funerals, weddings, etc. are not as important as people make them up to be. If you don't want to go to these things, don't go. But don't make a big issue about not going. Most of the attendees won't even give a second thought about why you aren't there.

However this (and your earlier thread about the cabin issue) seems to be much less about the fact that you and your uncle weren't close and much more about a power struggle between you and your wife. That is what you really have to figure out.

[hsilman]

This seems a bit harsh. I'm guessing his wife respects how badly she'd be taken advantage of by family and friends without him because that's similar to how my relationship works with my wife (except she's the hard***).

Yeah, that's why I said I don't know the totality of their relationship, but his framing on this forum doesn't look very healthy to me. I absolutely get doing that in some situations(this whole Jeff thing, for example) but the phrasing in general and the way he goes about it is off putting to me. But again, very narrow slice of this person's life, so what do I know?

[mgil]

Friends and family are “f” words to me. People use the word when they want something and it seems it’s always one sided.

lol

In what world does showing up to a funeral constitute giving people stuff or imply reciprocity?

If a spouse or loved on wants to go to a funeral and wants you there for emotional support, then just fucking go. That’s who you’re there for. Fuck the rest of those people.

If you don’t want to go but your wife does and she’s cool with going on her own, then let her do that.

ETA: basically @FredM gave you the advice I’d give.

[Hanley]

then just fucking go.

....in a tundra

[GlasgowJock]

Go for your wife's sake if she wants you to accompany her.

I interact with lots of people I can't be arsed with, and vice versa, though sometimes we set aside our own desires to support our spouses 'cause I generally think it's you and your partner vs the world most of the time.

[mbasic]

I got funeral the week. Two days. Wife's grandpa. Big dealio in Viet culture or whatever. There will be some Buddhist lady monk peeps chanting chants for hours on end .... Big ol' drawn out Buddhist funeral ends with a cremation. (STILL doesn't end there) Then a few weeks from now we got to scatter ashes on some godforsaken mountain somewhere cuz we've been appointed that task somehow or another ....

Those people are very into their hierarchy ...based on order of birth.
Grandpa was oldest of his siblings. Wife's dad was the oldest of his group. And wife was first born from dad.
So she holds some special status over all of her cousins, and has some special powers I can't talk about.

[Renascent]

Then a few weeks from now we got to scatter ashes on some godforsaken mountain somewhere cuz we've been appointed that task somehow or another ....

Who picks the mountain?

[mbasic]

Then a few weeks from now we got to scatter ashes on some godforsaken mountain somewhere cuz we've been appointed that task somehow or another ....

Who picks the mountain?

... i THINK its just up to the family, in this case my wife.
Pretty sure this is all just made up shit on the fly so to speak.

Her dad's ashes have yet to be spread; its been a 1-1/2 years now.
The ashes sit in a urn at a Buddhist temple or something.
Her dad and/or grandpa have no interest or knowledge of our local geography....

Although Grandpa specifically wanted to be 'spread' within a week or so of being cremated, so now she can do both at the same time I guess.
I can see why she's going to spread her own dad's ashes, but we got the nod to do grandpa ...maybe because of the hierarchy described in my prev post. And I guess everyone knows my wife is a crazy-ass hiker-lady, so they probably just figured she'd do it ....