Funerals and family functions/holidays?

[Oldandfat]

Bit of a difference of opinion between wife and I.

My uncle passed away and the service is coming up. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve seen him in the past 25 years. I don’t feel the need to attend the service, wife says I should go “cause family”.

As for family functions, I see my sister for x mas, and her kids (adult kids) birthdays. Wife’s “family” are t really family. She sees one “sister” once a year at x mas. Hasn’t spoken to her since the pandemic. Not once. I consider her a biological sibling, not a sister.

Wife still wants to invite for holidays. Cause “family”

Friends and family are “f” words to me. People use the word when they want something and it seems it’s always one sided.

Wife will drop everything to accommodate and her “fami;y” won’t do the same.

I’m closer to co workers thanfamily and would rather attend funerals and holidays with them.

What do you guys do? Do you give someone your time (x mas dinner) simply cause family? Why? Why not?

Maybe I’m getting to the old and crotchety phase of my life but I want to look out for #1, and that’s me.

[Culican]

I'm sure you are going to get many different viewpoints on this. Personally, I agree with you.

[Oldandfat]

Wife says go to support my mom, not because of the uncle. I get that but I’m really close to my mother either. She’s not a good person and I don’t feel the need to support her by attending. Besides she’s not that distraught over it.

And it’s not just my uncle but that entire branch of the family, I haven’t seen in decades. Not even a Christmas card.

And I don’t see the need to invite someone over for supper that I haven’t spoken to in over 2 years cause “family”.

And it’s always the same people dropping the “friends” or “family” on you when they need something. “C’mon man… we’re family”…….

Take take take.

[broseph]

The corpse doesn’t care who’s there.

If you want to maintain/improve social standing with your family- attend.

If you’re ok with (probably) losing social standing with your family- pass.

Another consideration; will this affect your wife- with regards to her social standing with your family or her perception of you?

I think the ultimate evolution of functioning logically is acknowledging emotions, and doing what “works best” to meet your goals vs doing what is “right/justified.”

[Oldandfat]

The corpse doesn’t care who’s there.

If you want to maintain/improve social standing with your family- attend.

If you’re ok with (probably) losing social standing with your family- pass.

Another consideration; will this affect your wife- with regards to her social standing with your family or her perception of you?

I think the ultimate evolution of functioning logically is acknowledging emotions, and doing what “works best” to meet your goals vs doing what is “right/justified.”

Wife worries about what people think of her. I couldn’t care less what people think, and certainly people that don’t give two shits about me.

I used to worry about optics, politics, etc. then I realized it didn’t matter. Nothing is ever reciprocated.

Any crises or deep dark time in my life the people I expected to step up to the plate failed to do so. Too busy, no time, fuck you, etc.

I feel it’s time to worry about me and no one else. Not “no one else” but not the people that don’t matter.

Wife isn’t on the same page. Just wanted to know if I was the dick or not.

[omaniphil]

Friends and family are “f” words to me.

I want to look out for #1, and that’s me.

She’s not a good person and I don’t feel the need to support her by attending.

I couldn’t care less what people think, and certainly people that don’t give two shits about me.

I feel it’s time to worry about me and no one else.

Wife isn’t on the same page. Just wanted to know if I was the dick or not.

Yes.

[Oldandfat]

Friends and family are “f” words to me.

I want to look out for #1, and that’s me.

She’s not a good person and I don’t feel the need to support her by attending.

I couldn’t care less what people think, and certainly people that don’t give two shits about me.

I feel it’s time to worry about me and no one else.

Wife isn’t on the same page. Just wanted to know if I was the dick or not.

Yes.

?

[omaniphil]

?

You asked a question. I answered.

[aurelius]

Have you considered that always taking a principled stand is tiresome for those in your life? Especially your wife. I understand there is history there. But is attending events you would rather not a few times a year truly worth damaging your relationship with your wife? Only you can answer that question. At some point principled can come off as petty.

I recommend attending. Hang out with the 1 or 2 people you can stand, drink some beer, be a fly on the wall, and represent for your wife.

[Oldandfat]

Have you considered that always taking a principled stand is tiresome for those in your life? Especially your wife. I understand there is history there. But is attending events you would rather not a few times a year truly worth damaging your relationship with your wife? Only you can answer that question. At some point principled can come off as petty.

I recommend attending. Hang out with the 1 or 2 people you can stand, drink some beer, be a fly on the wall, and represent for your wife.

We are all principled. All of us. Just tired of bending for everyone else. It’s time for me. Bending and doing the right thing has gotten me no where.

Not sure why wife is making an issue for a dude I have t seen in years and have zero relationship with. And it’s not even her family.

We’ve separated our families, especially since the shithead bil, cabin/whack job mil fiasco.

Her whole family is whacked. And the deceased uncle side of the family is whacked. My parents made a concerted effort to avoid them and limit our contact with them.

I’d feel more comfortable at a funeral for the guy who lives 3 doors down. At least we wave to each other and say hello.

[JonA]

Friends and family are “f” words to me.

I want to look out for #1, and that’s me.

She’s not a good person and I don’t feel the need to support her by attending.

I couldn’t care less what people think, and certainly people that don’t give two shits about me.

I feel it’s time to worry about me and no one else.

Wife isn’t on the same page. Just wanted to know if I was the dick or not.

Yes.

?

He's saying that people in your vicinity, even if you don't particularly care for them, are experiencing a sense of loss and suffering. Something that we all go through. Show some empathy, go to the funeral, express your condolences, and move on to more fruitful endeavours.

[hsilman]

Just wanted to know if I was the dick

Yes and frankly between your comments here and in other threads I don't know why you and your wife are still together. You disagree with everything she's ever told you, and things only "get better" when she "comes around" to your point of view. I'm assuming this point of view isn't accurate, but I'm just going off the info you've given on this forum.

Jesus Christ, is it really such a big fucking deal to show up for 2 hours to someone's funeral? If your "principles" are such that spending a tiny part of your day saying "sorry someone you cared about is dead, ok bye" to someone is actually a bad thing to do, your principles are fucked.

[BostonRugger]

Friends and family are “f” words to me. People use the word when they want something and it seems it’s always one sided.

[omaniphil]

He's saying that people in your vicinity, even if you don't particularly care for them, are experiencing a sense of loss and suffering. Something that we all go through. Show some empathy, go to the funeral, express your condolences, and move on to more fruitful endeavours.

I was mostly saying that, based on everything he said, he seemed like the dick. But yes, I agree with all you said as well.

[JonA]

He's saying that people in your vicinity, even if you don't particularly care for them, are experiencing a sense of loss and suffering. Something that we all go through. Show some empathy, go to the funeral, express your condolences, and move on to more fruitful endeavours.

I was mostly saying that, based on everything he said, he seemed like the dick. But yes, I agree with all you said as well.

Yeah, sorry, there was a bit of sarcasm in my post. You were pretty direct and clear, and he posted a "?" like it wasn't exactly obvious what you were saying, so I figured a Midwest passive aggressive sugar coated explanation would clear things right up.

[Oldandfat]

Friends and family are “f” words to me.

I want to look out for #1, and that’s me.

She’s not a good person and I don’t feel the need to support her by attending.

I couldn’t care less what people think, and certainly people that don’t give two shits about me.

I feel it’s time to worry about me and no one else.

Wife isn’t on the same page. Just wanted to know if I was the dick or not.

Yes.

Not what he said thus the question mark.


?

He's saying that people in your vicinity, even if you don't particularly care for them, are experiencing a sense of loss and suffering. Something that we all go through. Show some empathy, go to the funeral, express your condolences, and move on to more fruitful endeavours.

[mbasic]

Have you considered that always taking a principled stand is tiresome for those in your life? Especially your wife.

This^
Fight the wars worth fighting.

[alek]

He's saying that people in your vicinity, even if you don't particularly care for them, are experiencing a sense of loss and suffering. Something that we all go through. Show some empathy, go to the funeral, express your condolences, and move on to more fruitful endeavours.

I was mostly saying that, based on everything he said, he seemed like the dick. But yes, I agree with all you said as well.

Yeah, sorry, there was a bit of sarcasm in my post. You were pretty direct and clear, and he posted a "?" like it wasn't exactly obvious what you were saying, so I figured a Midwest passive aggressive sugar coated explanation would clear things right up.

Oh, bless your heart.

[FredM]

Just wanted to know if I was the dick

Yes and frankly between your comments here and in other threads I don't know why you and your wife are still together. You disagree with everything she's ever told you, and things only "get better" when she "comes around" to your point of view. I'm assuming this point of view isn't accurate, but I'm just going off the info you've given on this forum.

This seems a bit harsh. I'm guessing his wife respects how badly she'd be taken advantage of by family and friends without him because that's similar to how my relationship works with my wife (except she's the hard***).

Jesus Christ, is it really such a big fucking deal to show up for 2 hours to someone's funeral? If your "principles" are such that spending a tiny part of your day saying "sorry someone you cared about is dead, ok bye" to someone is actually a bad thing to do, your principles are fucked.

But yes. Not sure what you are trying to accomplish here, @Oldandfat. Even if you showing up means something to exactly one person in your entire extended family, it was worth it. And I have bad news for you. The selfish moochers that you're trying to teach a lesson by not showing up don't have any freaking idea why you didn't show up. They'll conclude that, unlike them, you're a dick and just overall bad person. Because selfish moochers have no introspection or ability to think about situations from anyone else's point of view -- if they did they wouldn't be selfish moochers (duh). So all you're accomplishing by not going is making it harder on the 0+ people who would have been comforted by your presence.

I really question your handle. You can't be that old if you still haven't learned that trying to hurt selfish moochers only leads to hurting innocent, good people in their sphere. You can't sacrifice your life for them, but making principled stands over a funeral is hardly that...

[JonA]

But yes. Not sure what you are trying to accomplish here, Oldandfat. Even if you showing up means something to exactly one person in your entire extended family, it was worth it. And I have bad news for you. The selfish moochers that you're trying to teach a lesson by not showing up don't have any freaking idea why you didn't show up. They'll conclude that, unlike them, you're a dick and just overall bad person. Because selfish moochers have no introspection or ability to think about situations from anyone else's point of view -- if they did they wouldn't be selfish moochers (duh). So all you're accomplishing by not going is making it harder on the 0+ people who would have been comforted by your presence.

The moochers won't even be there. If I understand correctly, this is *his* uncle. His wife's family won't be there, and their behavior towards him and his wife is kind of a red herring.