Need some input... family cabin, in law issues

[Oldandfat]

Figured I’d put this up here for some unbiased input. Things unfolded, and I handled it as best I could, and now it just keeps getting dumber. Let’s dive in shall we?

First I’ll tell you about the cabin. I do not own it. It is owned by my in laws. It’s on a small lake with very few other cabins, all owned by the same lineage of family’s. A small community. Tranquil, peaceful, crystal clear water. If your into fishing, hunting, nature, etc , I can assure you this place should pop up if you google “heaven on earth”.

I’ll also add the cabin is off grid. No running water, no power, and it is boat access only. (You can drive on a private road but your still a few football fields from the nearest cottage. Cabins are a lot of work. Off grid cabins are even more work.

This place has significant meaning for my wife as she was knocked up young, with a deadbeat father. She raised our daughter as a single mom, working poor with no luxuries what so ever. This cabin is/was all she had.

A popular saying at work goes something like “is this the hill you want to die on?”, meaning pick your battles. So, here we go.......

There are two issues I’m having. The first is minor. This cabin is shared by everyone in the familly. There are no rotations, and anyone and everyone can show up whenever. I’d prefer “you get this week, we get next week, third week is open week, etc”. But as I’m not the owner I don’t make the rules. I ain’t the king and this ain’t my castle.

Sometimes I like to just be alone with the three of us and the dogs. I don’t want to share a cabin with up to 9 other people, many of them showing up “Johnny on the spot”, and empty handed I might add. This means we have to ration our food as the place is off grid and we only bring what is needed for the weekend/week. Not the end of the world , but I e just accepted it. Now on to my real issue........enter “Jeff”.

“Jeff” is my brother in law, almost 40 years old. “Jeff” lives at home, and initially was at the cabin each and every weekend without fail for cottage season. Other than beer, pot, cigarettes, cigars he brings nothing to the cabin. He pays for nothing, he does not help in any way other than cut the grass. He doesn’t help prepare meals, doesn’t do dishes, doesn’t help load/unload the boats when we bring his groceries. He doesn’t do painting, repairs, etc.

He’s just there all the time, eating, sleeping, drinking, getting high, and puking/passing out. I said nothing for a few years as this place has special meaning to my wife. Mom and dad are aging and the place was falling into disrepair. So being the guy I am I pitched in and got to work fixing, and paint, etc. I even helped out financially, purchasing supplies, paint etc for the cabin, and when asked by the father in law for the receipts, I would tell him the the receipt blew away.

I realize as I’m not the owner I have no responsibility to the cabin financially or otherwise, it was the right thing to do. Personally I can’t watch a 70 year man work as I pound back beers on a dock while fishing.

This went on for about 4 years. Jeff would occasionally pitch in (fetch my the generator and then disappear). It was starting to feel like I was an employee at a hotel with only one special guest. I complained to my wife but she said that it was always this way, and that mom and dad baby Jeff. Understatement of the year. Now here’s the final straw.

In the fourth year Jeff wants a cell phone booster and would like everyone to pith in. I tell him I’ve already paid for the paint this year, and I’m tapped out. I suggest that if he buys the booster, I’ll instal it. Of course he has no key to pay for a booster. (Guess his beer, and cigarettes, and pot is free??”)so he asks my daughter to go halfers. I tell her not to, but she wants a booster too, so they agree to split 50/50. Of course my daughter shells out 600 bucks for the booster, and “Jeff” will pay her 75 per pay cheque.

I supply the materials for the antenae tower. I went with 1-1/2 threaded pipe. Walking dead approved antenae mast. For near future reference , I had to drive for 5-1/2 hours to buy this pipe. 200 dollars of material, wear and tear on my truck, and my time, my holidays. A mistake on my part was I forgot to buy a clip for the gable to secure the pipe.

Now we’re out for two weeks holiday. In week one I bring out the antenae mast pipe, and I’m installing it on Wednesday. Mom and dad have driven into the nearest town to restock groceries and also to buy a new propane oven. By now I realize I didn’t by my searing clip, so I Mg Gyver something out of hvac strapping and deck screws. It’ll do for now.

Mom and dad come back, but without a stove. They have to go back Friday to pick it up. I tell them I’ll tag along because I need to buy this clip. So now it me, mom and dad, and “Jeff” in the truck. We head into town, pick up the new stove, pick up Jeff’s beer, weed, and cigarettes, despite him still owing my daughter for the booster. We go to 3 plumbing/electrical supplier, and none had my clip I needed. I ask the dad to stop at the hardware store on the way back to the cabin. It’s a long shot that they’ll have what I need but we’re driving right by it. This is where things changed for good.

Jeff turns around when I ask to stop at this store. He says “not happening”. I laugh, thinking he’s kidding. I state that we’re driving right by the store and I’ll be in and out in under 5 minutes. He turns around and say “not gonna happen. I’m on holidays, and we’re not wasting anymore of my time driving around”

I was floored, and speechless. All the work I’ve done at your cabin, all the food Ive bought for you, hauled for you, cooked for you, and you won’t let my go into a store to buy a part for the cell booster tower that YOU wanted, and that I paid for.

I said nothing all the way home, and my solution was to pack up the next day and never come back to the cabin. This caused tension with my wife as she likes the cabin. I told her we will do something else next week as her holidays were already booked. Reluctantly I came back the next week. I did no more work.

I told her that next year I will not attend the cabin when Jeff is there. I’ll come during the week, and when he comes for the weekend I will go home. She is welcome to stay and tend to her brother.

So now (last year) its the 5th years\ and holidays are booked. Jeff decides to quit his job in the city and “work” full time in cottage country. He is living full time at the cottage. Because holidays are already booked I reluctantly go out. Jeff helps dry dishes two nights (what’s going on?) and he apologizes for not being more supportive, and thanks me for everything I’ve done.

The next day he wants me and dad to meet him at the station with our trucks. He purchased a cord of wood (now that he’s living there he ran out of wood that dad cut) and wants us to help haul it to the cabin. Remember it’s boat access, so we’re talking dragging it down a hill, and,onto a boat.

We help with the wood, and I tell my wife this is the last day I will work at the cabin. We go back the next weeken and none of the wood is cut and split. He’s had a whole week to do this. So now Jeff is sleeping while dad I out chopping wood. I feel like a dick, but I’m done. Now my wife is helping her dad split wood. Jeff is sleeping. I,feel bad. I’m not working while he’s sleeping. We’re back to the same old, same old.

So now this year I simply stayed home and did not attend the cabin. I don’t own it and I have no say in who is allowed out there, and what work has to be done. I’ve stepped up to the plate to help, and put up with Jeff. The only thing I can control is if I go out there or not.

Honestly I can tolerate lazy, but I don’t tolerate disrespect.

Any way her parents picked up on me not coming out. She ran out of excuses, (I had to work, weather is too hot, etc) and she told them I’m not coming out because of Jeff. Jeff even asked her why I was mad at him. She told him I wasn’t mad at him, but that I was disappointed in him.

He explained that I volunteered to work and that I don’t have to work if I don’t want to.

So now mom doesn’t want to have Christmas this year because she doesn’t want anyone to feel uncomfortable. I’m not fighting with Jeff. We didn’t exchange blows, we didn’t fight. I just didn’t show up at the cabin.

I’ve offered to buy our own cabin, and I’ve suggested renting a cabin. I’m done feeding a 40 year old man, and done doin his work.

I’ve tried asking Jeff for help, (suggesting I NEED His help or I can’t get things done).

I’ve even said I’ll continue to go to the cabin and feed Jeff, and put up with the other drop ins, but I need one week just to ourselves in our own cabin. She doesn’t want to offend her parents, or upset her brother but everyone’s already up in arms.

Christmas is likely gonna be cancelled, nd I kinda feel like the grinch, and I’ve done nothing wrong.

I can’t tell a man how to run his cabin, and I can’t tell them how to parent a 40 year old man. I want to experience the cabin with my wife but I’m done with Jeff. I’m just done.

I’d appreciate any advice. Maybe I handled things wrong? I do want to help mom and dad out as they are getting on in age but I’m not busting my ass while Jeff sleeps and drinks, and smokes pot.

[mgil]

Jeff sounds like a turd.

Family issues can be so fucked. I understand your wife’s attachment, but moving on and finding somewhere else to hang out doesn’t remove the old memories and helps create new ones that aren’t tainted with the drama that is ongoing now.

We’re only on this rock for a short period of time. No need for that added bullshit.

[Wilhelm]

Don't let mom leverage you with the christmas thing.
That's her choice, not yours.

Frankly, it's bullshit.

"No one uncomfortable" except for the fact that that whole thing is uncomfortable.
Something needs to change, and it's up to people other than you to make the change.

Ball is in their court.

[Oldandfat]

Mgil I totally agree. I even offered to but a cabin on the same lake. We could go out, and I’d still help out mom and dad with their physical cabin, and at the end of the night go back to my cabin, and cook my food that I bought with my money. What mom and dad do with their cabin is their business.

She said no because dad would offended we got our own place. Never mind that the two other sisters no longer come out (although they’ve never said so, I suspect it’s because of “Jeff”.

Do I just straight up tell Jeff he’s a piece of shit? Or do I just stay silent?

To be quite honest I’d like to just tell him I don’t hate him, nor am I mad at him, he’s just not the kind of person I want to spend my days off, or holidays with. That’s the truth.

[mgil]

Yeah, that’s why I’d just try to put distance in between Jeff and I if I were in your situation.

What you’re saying in the last paragraph is a good approach, provided he can process the feedback like an adult.

[Oldandfat]

Don't let mom leverage you with the christmas thing.
That's her choice, not yours.

Frankly, it's bullshit.

"No one uncomfortable" except for the fact that that whole thing is uncomfortable.
Something needs to change, and it's up to people other than you to make the change.

Ball is in their court.

The thing is I don’t know why she said this. Is she leveraging me, or is she protecting “Jeff”? Personally I can skip x mas with her familly. No @%#$’s given.

He’s still welcome in my home. I’m not rude to him, but I also don’t go out of my way to interact with him at family functions.

Ya it’s all uncomfortable. I don’t want to tell them they r babying him. Not my place. Funny thing is both mom and dad will complain to me about him, but they say nothing to him.

[Oldandfat]

Yeah, that’s why I’d just try to put distance in between Jeff and I if I were in your situation.

What you’re saying in the last paragraph is a good approach, provided he can process the feedback like an adult.

Exactly what I’ve done by simply not going to the cabin. I don’t want to start a fight with Jeff. I’m giving him some benefit because he lives at home and is babied. So he is enabled by the parents, and to some extent by my wife.

The lazy pot head wasn’t the issue. It was his comment about not wasting his time. When he said that he went from lazy bro in law, to arrogant, entitled pos. At this point I felt like his employee.

[Ragholmes]

The whole thing sucks.
You can choose who your friends are, but unfortunately you can't choose your family.
I think every family has someone.

[mettkeks]

Do you really want to upset your wife and your in-laws just because "Jeff" is an asshat and you want to dodge him? It's family man. Make it clear that you just won't provide/work for "Jeff". Sounds like they'd understand.

My 2ct.

[augeleven]

That’s hard, man. I totally empathize; I have lots of family drama on both sides.
Remember that the cabin is super special to your wife, and that your wife is super special to you. It might be worth it in the long run to find a way to suffer through your brother in law (whom I’ve casted in my mind as John C Reilly).

Probably not helpful, but here’s a checklist of passive-aggressive behaviors you should probably try:
- develop a food allergy to Jeff’s favorite foods. Have you considered militant veganism?
- be nicer to Jeff. Maybe start with a nickname? I like “little buddy”
- be as kind as possible: always make sure to ask Jeff his opinion. “Is ____ ok with you, little buddy?” Ask lots of follow up questions, because you’ll probably forget and do the opposite anyway.
- the best way to get friendly with someone is to bond over activity. Wake him up early in the morning and ask if he wants to go for jog/push the prowler/deadlift/ go hiking on this beautiful 4am morning? He may be inspired to deadlift with you if you are dropping the bar in the adjacent room.
- talk to him closely. Very closely. Always smile.

Seriously though, you can’t control jerks like him, but you can control how they make you feel. I’ve never had luck with direct confrontation, but I have by recontextualizing the relationship. You don’t have to straight up bully him, but you should definitely try to get in his head...

[Oldandfat]

Do you really want to upset your wife and your in-laws just because "Jeff" is an asshat and you want to dodge him? It's family man. Make it clear that you just won't provide/work for "Jeff". Sounds like they'd understand.

My 2ct.

I guess I could have refused to haul his wood. Given the choice of hauling wood, or freezing to death I think he’d get off his ass.

But what about maintenance work at the cabin, putting in the dock, etc. I really want to help the folks out but it’s to the point that I get so upset that I’m working and he’s sleeping.

I don’t want to build a new outhouse because he’ll be dumping in it.

I don’t really care if the in-laws are upset. I’ve done nothing,wrong, and in my mind I’ve taken the high road and put up with him up until this year.

[Oldandfat]

That’s hard, man. I totally empathize; I have lots of family drama on both sides.
Remember that the cabin is super special to your wife, and that your wife is super special to you. It might be worth it in the long run to find a way to suffer through your brother in law (whom I’ve casted in my mind as John C Reilly).

Probably not helpful, but here’s a checklist of passive-aggressive behaviors you should probably try:
- develop a food allergy to Jeff’s favorite foods. Have you considered militant veganism?
- be nicer to Jeff. Maybe start with a nickname? I like “little buddy”
- be as kind as possible: always make sure to ask Jeff his opinion. “Is ____ ok with you, little buddy?” Ask lots of follow up questions, because you’ll probably forget and do the opposite anyway.
- the best way to get friendly with someone is to bond over activity. Wake him up early in the morning and ask if he wants to go for jog/push the prowler/deadlift/ go hiking on this beautiful 4am morning? He may be inspired to deadlift with you if you are dropping the bar in the adjacent room.
- talk to him closely. Very closely. Always smile.

Seriously though, you can’t control jerks like him, but you can control how they make you feel. I’ve never had luck with direct confrontation, but I have by recontextualizing the relationship. You don’t have to straight up bully him, but you should definitely try to get in his head...

I’ve tried the “part of a team” approach. I’ve tried sarcasm, and taken the odd mild potshot. (After eating his meal and throwing his plate in the sink, I’ll comment “don’t worry about the dishes Jeff, we got it)

He will even complain about certain meals if it’s something he doesn’t like. He tunnels the bacon out of the broccoli salad. Mama even has to tell him to ease up on his food helping because there’s 8 other people that need to eat. This guy is literally no where to be found until mama rings the dinner bell, and boom, there he is at the table sitting with a fork and knife in each hand, waiting.

All the little things really bother me after his arrogant comment about,wasting his time.

[augeleven]

I’m talking major potshots. I’m talking Robert Di Nero in Cape Fear- level passive aggression.
Really get under his skin. But more importantly, have fun with it! Dude sounds like a psychic vampire, and probably get off on thinking you are uncomfortable. Also, the closer you are to your father-in-law, the better your long game will be.
Have you read Macchiavelli?

[gtl]

sounds like cottage country has plenty of places to hide a body

I would not put up with that shit, but I'm much younger and have been married for far less time. My wife doesn't force me to go to family events if I don't want to go, and thankfully also doesn't try to guilt me if I don't go. They all think of I have a dry sense of humor, so I freely speak my mind and they just mostly chalk it up to my personality. With that said, they all love me (or so they say ).

[mettkeks]

...

I totally get that. But he will do that anyways. With or without you.

It seems like your wife is really attached to the cabin and the family time and if "Jeff" 's behaviour is the only thing keeping you out of there, I'd personally go for a compromise.

Either you guys reduce cabin time significantly and You'll only do the things that are absolutely necessary while you're up there, or SHE deals with her parents regarding the "Jeff" situation when you guy's are there. Make clear how much you are willing to give and under what circumstances it will work for you and where you draw the line. If that's still not happening and christmas is still cancelled, that's on them, and you shouldn't feel bad.

But if you still feel like a grinch (feelings are weird), you gotta decide if it's worth not having to put up with "Jeff" 's antics. If it is, you'll live with it.

You sound just like my step-dad talking about my uncles wife, btw.

[mightymarv]

Have you actually explained to your in laws that you are OK with attending Xmas with Jeff and that you only want to avoid spending time with him at the cabin because his behaviour is too much for you? Also talking about your idea of a second cabin with you father in law might be better than talking to your wife.

I come from a very large family with a lot of drama going on and going through other persons or having "group discussions" rarely works out well. You are well meaning and supportive and have proven to be willing to make things work. I am sure they will give you the chance to explain yourself.

[alek]

I like the idea of buying your own cabin there. You can be there when in laws are there, but you have your own space to retreat to.

Pitch it to your wife as building up the family asset collection at the lake. But keep it in your name.

[Hanley]

Buy the cabin

[Oldandfat]

Ive actually pitched our own cabin to her with the idea that we have something to pass down to our daughter. As it stands now, (pretending that everything is tickity boo) at some point there will be too many people “sharing” the cabin. I,get it, the in laws are aging, and they appreciate the grandkids coming out, even unannounced. Personally I’m sick of the random drop ins, and a fridge full of beer, and the smell of skunk everywhere.


Honestly when Jeff opened his mouth I should have gotten into it with him right then. Instead I stayed silent and was avoiding him. Then he moved to the cabin full time. I know I can still go out, and not do any work, except I,can’t. I just can’t watch a 70 year old man work. So I’d end up working to help out and just being pissed off while Jeff sleeps.

Jeff actually talked to my wife about it because I didn’t come out this year. Of course he went defensive. Said I don’t have to work. Let’s put the work aside, why should I pay for his food, and cook it? Why should I do,his dishes.

I can live without the cabin and honestly the wife went out and took the dogs. I had the house to myself and it was actually nice, lol.

I feel it’s getting out of hand now because x mas is getting cancelled. And I stilll am not sure if Jeff is just a lazy pothead, or an entitled person. We actually used to get along, we have similar political views, etc. that’s what made his remarks that much more infuriating. All I can think is buddy, ya had it good. I was coming out and doing all your work while you drank. I paid,for lots of the supply’s. All ya had to do is keep your mouth shut.

For me it’s not about the work per say. I rebuilt their deck. It’s “my deck”. When I have a beer on the deck I say to my self “I built this”. It’s about being disrespected.

I guess I’m wondering how to get this resolved. I don’t want to insult the parents by suggesting their son is a freeloading pos, possibly challenging the dads authority. Who am I to tell him what to do?

Same with the cabin. Another reason I wanted to rent a cabin was to get dad engaged in a conversation. “Why are you renting?”, “we’ll we just want some quiet time for ourselves. “

I just figured not going was the non invasive way. It worked because everyone is aware. I’m hoping now that the poop is out of the goose, the other siblings will pipe up with their opinions to reenforce that Jeff is the problem, not me.

[alek]

Ive actually pitched our own cabin to her with the idea that we have something to pass down to our daughter. As it stands now, (pretending that everything is tickity boo) at some point there will be too many people “sharing” the cabin. I,get it, the in laws are aging, and they appreciate the grandkids coming out, even unannounced. Personally I’m sick of the random drop ins, and a fridge full of beer, and the smell of skunk everywhere.


Honestly when Jeff opened his mouth I should have gotten into it with him right then. Instead I stayed silent and was avoiding him. Then he moved to the cabin full time. I know I can still go out, and not do any work, except I,can’t. I just can’t watch a 70 year old man work. So I’d end up working to help out and just being pissed off while Jeff sleeps.

Jeff actually talked to my wife about it because I didn’t come out this year. Of course he went defensive. Said I don’t have to work. Let’s put the work aside, why should I pay for his food, and cook it? Why should I do,his dishes.

I can live without the cabin and honestly the wife went out and took the dogs. I had the house to myself and it was actually nice, lol.

I feel it’s getting out of hand now because x mas is getting cancelled. And I stilll am not sure if Jeff is just a lazy pothead, or an entitled person. We actually used to get along, we have similar political views, etc. that’s what made his remarks that much more infuriating. All I can think is buddy, ya had it good. I was coming out and doing all your work while you drank. I paid,for lots of the supply’s. All ya had to do is keep your mouth shut.

For me it’s not about the work per say. I rebuilt their deck. It’s “my deck”. When I have a beer on the deck I say to my self “I built this”. It’s about being disrespected.

I guess I’m wondering how to get this resolved. I don’t want to insult the parents by suggesting their son is a freeloading pos, possibly challenging the dads authority. Who am I to tell him what to do?

Same with the cabin. Another reason I wanted to rent a cabin was to get dad engaged in a conversation. “Why are you renting?”, “we’ll we just want some quiet time for ourselves. “

I just figured not going was the non invasive way. It worked because everyone is aware. I’m hoping now that the poop is out of the goose, the other siblings will pipe up with their opinions to reenforce that Jeff is the problem, not me.

There’s probably not going to be any resolution with the current situation. And it’s likely to get worse because when the parents die, Jeff is very likely to get the cabin solely since he lives there fulltime now and two other siblings are never there. Marinate on that while you’re doing any work on the cabin. It’s going to be all Jeff’s one day.

I hear you don’t want to sit by as a 70 year old man works while his ~40 year old son lazes the day away, but that’s not your responsibility. It the father’s fault that he allows his son to do that. I’m not saying don’t help if you want, but don’t take responsibility for other people’s problems.

If you really like being at the lake and enjoy sitting on the dock, then the best thing you can do for yourself in my opinion is to buy your own cabin.

If you’re ambivalent about it, then just don’t go. Like you said; your wife can go, and you can get some personal time for yourself.

Oh, and that passive-aggressive behavior from your mother in law?