Who pays for wedding thing ....

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mbasic
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Who pays for wedding thing ....

#1

Post by mbasic » Fri Mar 17, 2023 5:43 am

I have some questions about who pays for a wedding these days.
Would like to hear opinions, as I think most people here are sensible and practical.

#1 - Are we all as a society still doing the bride's father/family pays for the wedding? Or has that fallen out of fashion/social acceptance because of the whole "equaling of sexes" thing that has been going on?

#1a - Or, is that not a thing as much anymore because of the general economic fuckery since 2008: Great Recession, Covid thing, and now another inflationary speed bump thingy that looks like a brick wall.

AND

#2 - here's the real question/dilema:
A friend of ours has a daughter that is getting married.
As per the custom: the bride's parents are supposed to flip the bill for the wedding.
The daughter is kind of a princess, the daughter's mom think she's a queen .... the problem is the family has little money (that we know of).
The dad (friend of ours), tells us the wedding is gonna cost between 50-70K! (*mbasic spits out coffee*)

Here's the rub, because the groom's family lives on the opposite end of the country (Atlantic coast), (the daughter has moved over there)...
And of course(?), the wedding is over there. Problem is the bride's entire family, friends, etc are on the west coast.

It is quite a possibility a very small number (like, only 10% or less of what would go if the wedding was here locally) of the bride's family or friends will make a 2 day trip, pay for plane tickets/hotel/etc, to go over there to attend the wedding. A lot of older folks (grandmas, aunts, etc) ain't going to long distance travel on a plane.

So to me, seems fuckey he's having to flip the bill for this all by himself.

Seems like what should be done: the two families should send out invites with a detailed RVSP clause explaining its urgent we know who's coming or not because of the obvious logistics with planning a cross country wedding. "don't feel bad if you can't make it" thing.
And then prorate the cost based on the number of groom's guests and bride's guest who RSVP between the two families.


(Note: My wife and I had to pay for the majority of our wedding ourselves (90% of it); we made fucking payments over a year. It wasn't BAD BAD. IIRC $16K in 1998 dollars. That's like $30K today.)

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Re: Who pays for wedding thing ....

#2

Post by gtl » Fri Mar 17, 2023 6:00 am

I got married in 2017, so idk if that's recent enough to consider, but..

We paid some, and my wife's parents paid the rest (separately, they are divorced). Mother in law paid quite more than father in law. Traditionally, I think the groom's parents pay for the rehearsal dinner. My parents do not have money, so we did something simple and rented out a room at a local specialty pizza place and paid for it (I think ~$500).

I think our wedding was around $25k all-in. It was a very nice venue downtown, we had 125 people, open bar (specifically got craft beer from a local brewery to serve, too), dinner was beef short ribs, custom cake, plus cupcakes, etc.

Edit: I should add -- my wife has a big family and is close to her extended family, where I am not close to much of my family. I think maybe 35 of the 125 guests were "mine" vs. hers.

Everything is a function of guest count. Guest count dictates venue, which is going to be the largest $$, then food/drink per guest. Everything else just adds up (DJ, flowers, decorations, etc.).
Last edited by gtl on Fri Mar 17, 2023 9:24 am, edited 2 times in total.

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GlasgowJock
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Re: Who pays for wedding thing ....

#3

Post by GlasgowJock » Fri Mar 17, 2023 7:49 am

I think it's ridiculous the money some folk drop on a wedding; it's essentially a one day piss up in fancy dress. Serious money couples could invest in their home and knock years off of their mortgages or whatever.

I got married in 2011 (paid £6-7k) and our families just split the stuff between us (wife and I actually footed most of the bill); venue, drinks package, band hire, catering, cars and kilt hire/ dress purchasing.

Furthest I've had to travel from the UK for a wedding is Spain (Brit groom, Spanish bride) and much like the OP's concerns it isn't cheap when long distances are involved.

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mouse
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Re: Who pays for wedding thing ....

#4

Post by mouse » Fri Mar 17, 2023 10:30 am

GlasgowJock wrote: Fri Mar 17, 2023 7:49 am I think it's ridiculous the money some folk drop on a wedding; it's essentially a one day piss up in fancy dress. Serious money couples could invest in their home and knock years off of their mortgages or whatever.

I got married in 2011 (paid £6-7k) and our families just split the stuff between us (wife and I actually footed most of the bill); venue, drinks package, band hire, catering, cars and kilt hire/ dress purchasing.

Furthest I've had to travel from the UK for a wedding is Spain (Brit groom, Spanish bride) and much like the OP's concerns it isn't cheap when long distances are involved.
Similar story, married in 2010 with some help all around but pretty sure we kept it around the same price (in USD) because we didn't make a huge deal out of it.

We have three boys and I don't make much money, so I'm absolutely a traditionalist...

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Re: Who pays for wedding thing ....

#5

Post by rjharris » Fri Mar 17, 2023 10:45 am

We paid for it. In total, the expenses were

rehearsal dinner at a Mexican place in town (not taco bell, but not expensive)
Venue (our church)
Reception (same)
Reception meal (bbq place in town, not expensive)
After party at a bar in town

I think her family helped with the rehearsal dinner but that was it. We got the venue cheap since we are members of the church. All told, probably about 5k iirc for i think like 60 people?. I think the idea of paying a used car worth of money (or God forbid going into debt) for a wedding is fucking ridiculous, but whatever people want to do with their own money ain't my business.

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CheekiBreekiFitness
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Re: Who pays for wedding thing ....

#6

Post by CheekiBreekiFitness » Sat Mar 18, 2023 11:43 am

GlasgowJock wrote: Fri Mar 17, 2023 7:49 am I think it's ridiculous the money some folk drop on a wedding; it's essentially a one day piss up in fancy dress. Serious money couples could invest in their home and knock years off of their mortgages or whatever.

I got married in 2011 (paid £6-7k) and our families just split the stuff between us (wife and I actually footed most of the bill); venue, drinks package, band hire, catering, cars and kilt hire/ dress purchasing.

Furthest I've had to travel from the UK for a wedding is Spain (Brit groom, Spanish bride) and much like the OP's concerns it isn't cheap when long distances are involved.
You got married in a kilt ? I'm so jealous.

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Re: Who pays for wedding thing ....

#7

Post by Philbert » Sat Mar 18, 2023 12:10 pm

mbasic wrote: Fri Mar 17, 2023 5:43 am I have some questions about who pays for a wedding these days.
Would like to hear opinions, as I think most people here are sensible and practical.

#1 - Are we all as a society still doing the bride's father/family pays for the wedding? Or has that fallen out of fashion/social acceptance because of the whole "equaling of sexes" thing that has been going on?

#1a - Or, is that not a thing as much anymore because of the general economic fuckery since 2008: Great Recession, Covid thing, and now another inflationary speed bump thingy that looks like a brick wall.

AND

#2 - here's the real question/dilema:
A friend of ours has a daughter that is getting married.
As per the custom: the bride's parents are supposed to flip the bill for the wedding.
The daughter is kind of a princess, the daughter's mom think she's a queen .... the problem is the family has little money (that we know of).
The dad (friend of ours), tells us the wedding is gonna cost between 50-70K! (*mbasic spits out coffee*)

Here's the rub, because the groom's family lives on the opposite end of the country (Atlantic coast), (the daughter has moved over there)...
And of course(?), the wedding is over there. Problem is the bride's entire family, friends, etc are on the west coast.

It is quite a possibility a very small number (like, only 10% or less of what would go if the wedding was here locally) of the bride's family or friends will make a 2 day trip, pay for plane tickets/hotel/etc, to go over there to attend the wedding. A lot of older folks (grandmas, aunts, etc) ain't going to long distance travel on a plane.

So to me, seems fuckey he's having to flip the bill for this all by himself.

Seems like what should be done: the two families should send out invites with a detailed RVSP clause explaining its urgent we know who's coming or not because of the obvious logistics with planning a cross country wedding. "don't feel bad if you can't make it" thing.
And then prorate the cost based on the number of groom's guests and bride's guest who RSVP between the two families.


(Note: My wife and I had to pay for the majority of our wedding ourselves (90% of it); we made fucking payments over a year. It wasn't BAD BAD. IIRC $16K in 1998 dollars. That's like $30K today.)
My opinion on wedding expenses: whoever calls the tune pays the piper. So if the bride's dad is expected to foot the bill, then he has full veto on all expenses. If anyone thinks his choices are too low class they need to cover the difference or shut up. On the other hand, if he thinks his princess needs a 70k wedding despite he is not a millionaire that is 100% on him. The bride's dad paying for a wedding is a carryover from a culture when marrying off a daughter was an opportunity to display wealth, and the daughter had no actual say in any of it. Silly to carry on the financial tradition when we have (appropriately) moved past the rest. In the specific case you cite, the dad should have set this expectation a long time ago, it sounds like now he is negotiating from a weak position with options of a second mortgage or a divorce.

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Re: Who pays for wedding thing ....

#8

Post by Hardartery » Sat Mar 18, 2023 12:19 pm

We got married in 1992. My FIL paid most of it, but that was him. I offered and attempted to pay for some things. It was long distance, in Florida (Wife is from there) and my people are all in Ontario. Very few of my people could make it. My FIL had money saved up and set aside specifically for the wedding and the deal was we could spend it on the wedding or keep whatever part of it we didn't spend. My wife is not a wild spender generally, we put a down payment on our first house a year later at 21 y/o with some of that money and fixed it up with our own money. The pnly thing that really matters after the fact is a good photographer/videographer. Nobody really remembers much of whatever details the couple getting married are consumed with, but nice pics to look at 30 years later are a sound investment in your wife's happiness.

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GlasgowJock
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Re: Who pays for wedding thing ....

#9

Post by GlasgowJock » Sat Mar 18, 2023 12:21 pm

CheekiBreekiFitness wrote: Sat Mar 18, 2023 11:43 amYou got married in a kilt ? I'm so jealous.
Easy access mate.

For peeing.

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