Need some input... family cabin, in law issues

[5hout]

My primary thought is that daughter should refuse the inheritance when the time comes, if the will is drafted as is. If she's unwilling to do that, force partition and sale (or the equivalent in Canada). Co-owning the cabin, especially a lesser share of it, is just beating your dick against a cactus. For karmic reasons probably better to just not mention this to mom, then implement if and when she passes and if the estate is as detailed.

As for what you should do. I feel like you'll probably end up going out, fixing stuff, spending some time and then coming home. Try to limit this, and think of the weekends as karma-farming weekends. Just do them to be nice, then take your tools and come home. Don't expect help, avoid Jeff.

[Oldandfat]

My primary thought is that daughter should refuse the inheritance when the time comes, if the will is drafted as is. If she's unwilling to do that, force partition and sale (or the equivalent in Canada). Co-owning the cabin, especially a lesser share of it, is just beating your dick against a cactus. For karmic reasons probably better to just not mention this to mom, then implement if and when she passes and if the estate is as detailed.

As for what you should do. I feel like you'll probably end up going out, fixing stuff, spending some time and then coming home. Try to limit this, and think of the weekends as karma-farming weekends. Just do them to be nice, then take your tools and come home. Don't expect help, avoid Jeff.

If things keep progressing as they have been my daughter will partly inherit a delapitated building that will require substantial investment. Of course Jeff will be in no position to pay. Daughter was clear to me that she will not pay any more than legally,required to. And if it falls apart it falls apart.

As for me, I can’t bring tools and take them home each time. It’s off grid and remote so all supplies must go up or down a hill 300 feet, loaded onto a boat, and then 30o feet up to the cabin.

Anything that come just stays there. It’s a real hassle.

If I were to attend I really don’t want to do any work at all. It’s not my responsibility and until daughter inherits nots hers either.

For my wife’s sake I’m willing to kiss and make up but I’m not enabling a 40 year old man anymore. I can’t avoid him at the cabin if he’s always there.

This is why I want our own cabin like the 3rd sibling did. They come out once a year for a weekend to “Jeff’s cabin” and other than that they have their own place.

I’m worried mom will be insulted if I don’t come out because I’ve been coming out for years and then stopped. She knows why. And she even agrees (or at least did).

Call me cynical but I think moms plan is to give daughter a portion of the cabin with the hopes that we will just pony up and take care of everything,so that Jeff can be Jeff.


How do I talk to mom about this? Not sure what she’s gonna say.

I really, really don’t want to go to the cabin ever again.

Even if my wife was an only child, and she inherited the cabin (and assume it’s 100% maintenance free) I still would not want to go. It’s a fucking pain in the ass.

Most cabins are “drive up , carry your shit up the stairs and away you go”. This place is like half a day just to get there and load up to go home.

Any kind of work requires either deep pockets, or lots of manual labor, and an army of up and coming children.

Think— human pyramid, or ponzu scheme to keep things going.

Having a Jeff in the family fucks this all up.

If mom was that positive Jeff is capable of turning things around then why not leave him the whole thing ?

Am I off base?

[asdf]

I think moms plan is to give daughter a portion of the cabin with the hopes that we will just pony up and take care of everything,so that Jeff can be Jeff.

That's exactly what I was thinking.

I really, really don’t want to go to the cabin ever again.

Even if my wife was an only child, and she inherited the cabin (and assume it’s 100% maintenance free) I still would not want to go. It’s a fucking pain in the ass.

So don't go. You're a grown man.

[5hout]

I think moms plan is to give daughter a portion of the cabin with the hopes that we will just pony up and take care of everything,so that Jeff can be Jeff.

That's exactly what I was thinking.

Yes, this seems very correct. Especially if she gives a good, but not 50/50 split. It's enough daughter has (if she fails to disclaim the gift) a substantial financial stake in the cabin being maintained and kept in the family, but not enough she can exercise any control.

Also, Jeff is under no legal obligation to will his share to your Daughter, and while a real lawyer could set this up, I would bet gold against pigeon shit that it won't be set up like that.

The more I think on this it seems like an attempt at attaching control lines to convince you/wife/daughter more than anything else. It's a strong sign that mom isn't really buying into the process of being a family and more continuing her ultra-enabling of Jeff.

[Oldandfat]

I think moms plan is to give daughter a portion of the cabin with the hopes that we will just pony up and take care of everything,so that Jeff can be Jeff.

That's exactly what I was thinking.

I really, really don’t want to go to the cabin ever again.

Even if my wife was an only child, and she inherited the cabin (and assume it’s 100% maintenance free) I still would not want to go. It’s a fucking pain in the ass.

So don't go. You're a grown man.

But how do I tell the wife? Not interested? Too old? Your brother is still a fucking piece of shit? Diplomacy and tact is not my strong suit.

[Oldandfat]

I think moms plan is to give daughter a portion of the cabin with the hopes that we will just pony up and take care of everything,so that Jeff can be Jeff.

That's exactly what I was thinking.

Yes, this seems very correct. Especially if she gives a good, but not 50/50 split. It's enough daughter has (if she fails to disclaim the gift) a substantial financial stake in the cabin being maintained and kept in the family, but not enough she can exercise any control.

Also, Jeff is under no legal obligation to will his share to your Daughter, and while a real lawyer could set this up, I would bet gold against pigeon shit that it won't be set up like that.

The more I think on this it seems like an attempt at attaching control lines to convince you/wife/daughter more than anything else. It's a strong sign that mom isn't really buying into the process of being a family and more continuing her ultra-enabling of Jeff.

Had lunch with daughter and a nice drive. She filled me in a bit more.

Mom doesn’t trust me to not kick Jeff out of the cabin. She doesn’t want to leave it to wife and Jeff because it will become an “us issue”.

She doesn’t want to leave it all to Jeff because she still wants “us” to have access to the cabin.

She chose my daughter because a) she’s most likely to have a family, b) of all the family she’s the only one who hasn’t had a fight or issue with Jeff, LOL. Umm who exactly is the problem??

I think you can do a mirror will or something. Daughter says if he,fucks around she’d just have him buy her out, or force a sale.

It’s,obvious,what mom is doing. Why not just give Jeff the whole fucking cabin? And whatever happens, happens.

Let’s say mom goes another 20 years and daughter inherits 20% of what is likely to be a shithole, there’s no way she’s paying to fix or rebuild. Jeff is absolutely useless now @40 so he will become more useless and capable as he ages, and now knowing that he’s “getting the fucken cabin” he will be more empowered to do less.

Mom told daughter because of all the work I’ve done we don’t have to pay anything, not even small shit like gasoline, and propane.

Daughter doesn’t know what the % is. Jeff will have majority, and daughters share will be “enough”. Whatever that means.

I think I’ll tell the wife to keep me out of the cabin. Wind back,the clock to 2018 when dad was alive and I wasn’t going back to the cabin.

[asdf]

But how do I tell the wife? Not interested? Too old? Your brother is still a fucking piece of shit? Diplomacy and tact is not my strong suit.

I'd start by just expressing, rather than trying to justify, your feelings. Just let her know that you really, really don't want to go. There's been enough drama, I doubt she'll be surprised. If pressed, express that you just don't want to get sucked into all of the drama and issues again. Diplomacy and martial harmony require concessions and understanding on both sides. If she's going to press you on it, and maybe even ask you to at least give it a try, she needs to know that it's a big ask.

[Oldandfat]

But how do I tell the wife? Not interested? Too old? Your brother is still a fucking piece of shit? Diplomacy and tact is not my strong suit.

I'd start by just expressing, rather than trying to justify, your feelings. Just let her know that you really, really don't want to go. There's been enough drama, I doubt she'll be surprised. If pressed, express that you just don't want to get sucked into all of the drama and issues again. Diplomacy and martial harmony require concessions and understanding on both sides. If she's going to press you on it, and maybe even ask you to at least give it a try, she needs to know that it's a big ask.

She knows it’s a huge ask. She knows I hate her brother. Just trying to find a graceful way out of the cabin

I fucking hate the place. Bad memories, and I’ll never enjoy myself out there. Even if young Jeff overdosed I’d still not want to go out. The work to enjoyment ratio is too slanted towards work.

[asdf]

She knows it’s a huge ask. She knows I hate her brother. Just trying to find a graceful way out of the cabin

If she knows it's a huge ask and that you really don't want to go, then just say you're not going. Why is this an issue?

[Oldandfat]

She knows it’s a huge ask. She knows I hate her brother. Just trying to find a graceful way out of the cabin

If she knows it's a huge ask and that you really don't want to go, then just say you're not going. Why is this an issue?

Not an issue. I’m not going. Just,wanted opinion,on how to go about that’s all.

[asdf]

Not an issue. I’m not going. Just,wanted opinion,on how to go about that’s all.

Okay, sorry. I misunderstood.

[Oldandfat]

Not an issue. I’m not going. Just,wanted opinion,on how to go about that’s all.

Okay, sorry. I misunderstood.

All good my man!

[Oldandfat]

Had lunch with my dad and sister. Gave them the latest fucknuts/cabin update.

They both had the same reaction /suspicions.

-nothings changed. Jeff is still being enabled

- mom needs our family to support the cabin as she likely is overwhelmed and can’t do it on her own

-since we refuse to own a cabin with jeff she is now “enticing”us into a “kinda ownership but not really” via bequesting Jennifer (daughter) some of the cabin. Or as my dad politely put it “she’s trying to suck you back into the fucking vortex”

-She’s just backdooring us into ownership and hopes that a “free cabin” will be enough to entice usback to help out currently, and enable Jeff when she’s gone.

My dad also said wills can be changed so he suggested that Jennifer and Jeff should just be put on title right now with mom (if that’s her intent anyway). They split the costs 3 ways, they sign a letter that they can never sell their share of the cabin to anyone outside the 3 owners. Current pitch to Jennifer was she’s getting a share of the cabin, and we are all welcome to come out and don’t have to pay for anything (in lieu of past work, saving the cabin, etc). Dad says if mom puts Jen and fucknuts on title then mom can offload a third of the expenses. So it’s a win for her.

My dad is just looking out for his grand daughter. He’s worried she will feel pressured into helping out financially because “it’s going to be partly hers one day” only to have Jeff inherit the cabin.

I understand his concern. I’d like to think nana wouldn’t fuck her own grand daughter BUT Jeff did steal 500 bucks from her and nana didn’t really think it was a big deal cause “grandpa paid her back”.

Mom absolutely defends Jeff no ifs and our but, however Jennifer is a close second. Grand daughters yield a lot of influence and hold a lot of political capital.

If nothing gets done ever and the place falls apart then Jennifer loses 100% of nothing as it was free.

Dad looks at things via numbers, and legal. Doesn’t care about emotions and dynamics.

Sister agreed with dads proposal but suggested that Jennifer and nana work it out. Sister also agrees that we should just buy/rent our own place and fuck mom and Jeff. She made her bed, and she can lay in it.

Both suggested if I’m not ever going out to just be honest with the wife about it, but MIL they said to just “smile, thank her for the offer to enjoy the cabin” , and just don’t go. “Something came up”, “busy with other obligations” and leave it at that. She’ll either get the hint, and just stop asking me to come out.

Even a “free” cabin isn’t appealing. We’d still eventually pay 100% of expenses, he’d be there all the time, use all the propane, stepping over beer cans, building reek of cigarette smoke, and pot, dead mice all over the place, cabins a mess, etc.

Sure we can build a shed and have our own propane, bathroom, shower and lock it up when we’re not there but what’s the point? To get to the place and “enjoy” is 4 hours. And that’s assuming nothing went wrong (shingles blew off, tree damaged something, broken windows, ruined outboard, ruined chainsaw, etc). And something ALWAYS goes wrong at a cabin. Even if you don’t have a Jeff.

Fuck I have daughter convinced to eventually move to a rural setting/out of province cabin. I think wife may feel “this time it’s different” and things will change. Nope.

And because I’ve shit all over Jeff in the past I will give him some credit. He is paying room and board, and he did attempt some work at the cabin last year. Half assed attempt at a deck, and he was cutting some wood. (It’s cut as he needed it rather than proper stockpiling but it’s a start).

He blew up the chain saw (straight gas instead of 50:1) because no one showed him or told him he needed mixed fuel.

He is on some kind of anti depressants and was seeing some kind of therapist, so there was some effort. There! Positive thoughts for Jeff, lol. Mom got a new puppy so Jeff has been taking the dog to the park every day so there’s that too.

I still think there’s some kind of spectrum thing going on. He doesn’t “grasp” things. Straight gas on the chainsaw, he doesn’t get it. “Dad uses this gas in this can for the chain saw”. And when “that gas” was gone he just used whatever gas there was.

Same deal with the water pump. He doesn’t “grasp” the functions, cavitation, priming, etc. “dad showed me how to pump…. Turn this knob, line up the arrows, and then flick this thing”. If something doesn’t work or isn’t exactly like how he is shown he’s completely fucked. He will just go home, or drink/smoke pot and fuck it who needs water, lol. Or he “snaps”.

My daughter was caught off guard by all this, and her take is that nana fucked up, and is genuine about reconciliation and wants to make things right. She ultimately wants everyone to be happy, but there’s no way to please everyone,and this is her version,of “everybody wins a little bit”.

She said I really should try and go to the cabin this year, but don’t offer up any work unless it’s “all hands on deck”. Come in seperate cars so if things don’t work out I can just leave.

[JonA]

Is your daughter an adult? It seems like she is. Is it possible, maybe,that this is no longer any of your business anymore?

[Oldandfat]

Is your daughter an adult? It seems like she is. Is it possible, maybe,that this is no longer any of your business anymore?

Just looking out,for my daughter.

[Oldandfat]

I think moms plan is to give daughter a portion of the cabin with the hopes that we will just pony up and take care of everything,so that Jeff can be Jeff.

That's exactly what I was thinking.

Yes, this seems very correct. Especially if she gives a good, but not 50/50 split. It's enough daughter has (if she fails to disclaim the gift) a substantial financial stake in the cabin being maintained and kept in the family, but not enough she can exercise any control.

Also, Jeff is under no legal obligation to will his share to your Daughter, and while a real lawyer could set this up, I would bet gold against pigeon shit that it won't be set up like that.

The more I think on this it seems like an attempt at attaching control lines to convince you/wife/daughter more than anything else. It's a strong sign that mom isn't really buying into the process of being a family and more continuing her ultra-enabling of Jeff.

Daughter really doesn’t want to own a cabin with Jeff. Taking your advice she’s just going to say nothing. If and when the time comes she’s just gonna say no to the estate lawyer. Jeff can figure it out on his own.

She doesn’t need money, and she feels if she forces a sale on Jeff she’s at fault for losing the cabin. If she signs it over to him then he’ll do just fine on his own losing the cabin. His fault, not hers.

As for mom I’ll kiss and make up. When she puts it out there that I’m welcome anytime at the cabin, and no work or money ever expected I’ll smile, thank her for the offer, and tell her I appreciate it.

And I’ll just never come out. (Busy, no holidays, I died, dog ate homework, etc). Eventually and hopefully mom “gets it” and stops asking why I never come out.

(Daughter still wants me to make an effort to come out and “do nothing” citing there’s no downside and I can always leave and never come back if it doesn’t work.) undecided at this point.

I’ll try and get along and even invite Jeff to family functions. He won’t show anyways, and it looks like I’m trying.

And more random thoughts here:

Mil more or less wants Jeff to have a cabin at his disposal for the rest of his life. She’ll do what she has to to make this happen, and when she dies she wants someone else (us) to make sure it continues. She tried to sell us half a cabin, which we countered with a full purchase (meaning Jeff would have to get off his ass and work or lose cabin privileges).

This didn’t work so now she’s dangling a “free” cabin via her grand daughter and banking on us stepping up because we’re not helping Jeff, we’re helping our own daughter.

What if she just leaves everything in a trust? Trust owns the cabin and hires a property manager to look after the place, put in /take out dock, paint, level cabin, etc. trust also looks after all insurance, fees, etc.

Jeff now has a cabin to go to and drink beer, smoke pot, eat, shit, piss, and sleep 17 hours a day. Everything is looked after and we don’t have to do a thing.

Mom can stipulate we are allowed to come out once a year? Maybe twice? We can ask that the property manager make sure to pick up beer cans, cigarette butts, clean up puke, and dead mice, fumigate cabin for cigarette and pot smoke before we arrive.

Would it be too much to ask the urine be cleaned up, and feces too? (Feces was only once and it was a shed so Hopefully won’t happen again) and to be fair, although Jeff was the only one at the cabin when the feces incident happened, he had the keys, there appeared to be no forced entry, it’s possible that someone else pooped in the shed.

Also would it be too selfish to have the property manager remove Jeff’s beer from the fridge so that we have somewhere to put our food? We’d also ask the manager to put Jeff’s beer back in the fridge so that we don’t get yelled at. (He ONLY drinks ice cold beer). I feel bad because we really don’t want our food to go bad, and I feel that it’s too much to ask the estate to pay for a food fridge. The fridge is 22 cubic feet. I don’t know if there are bigger fridges.

I feel this would fulfill moms wishes, Jeff’s wishes, and we all get to have a cabin to go to.

Trying to be proactive, and positive. Lol.